Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
