I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I want a musical about memes.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
