Too much gin, very little bucket
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
