chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
