I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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