you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
