her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
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