dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
