someone threw a dead crab at me
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
