I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
