i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
