Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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