wrigley field is MILF paradise
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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