I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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