life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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