; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
