Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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