No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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