Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
