bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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