I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
