i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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