Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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