If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
