have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
