Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
