Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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