BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
