got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
