I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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