$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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