U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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