I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
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