Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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