I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
