My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
