You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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