It's like God shit irony all over that family
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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