so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
