I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Randomize
