gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
this boner is exhausting
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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