Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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