My nipple is on Facebook.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
