if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
