I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Randomize
