May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
