Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
