the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
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New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
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Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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