your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
