Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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