Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.