note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
