You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
