Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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