I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
