Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
